text vs. romance

Been a minute since i posted something new so here goes. Last week was kinda strange. Well not exactly but it was definitely one for the books. So after the big cinco de mayo let down i was kinda broke...again. So i was kinda worried when this guy that i used to really like called and said he would be in LA for a visit and wanted to make a stop and visit me. Innocent enough. The thing is....i really really liked this guy. So the news was good but i was also a little concerned about shooting myself in the foot but opening myself up to this man again. We were only able to get to know each other shortly before he and I moved. We continued to keep in contact(and still do) after he left and actually got closer. Around the same time he moved, i moved to silverlake. We both kinda got comfortable in the dynamic of our relationship for whatever reasons. Maybe he was just lonely, maybe i needed to find something to settle me down, either way things were OK in the beginning.

Now after about a month of living there i found that a strange thing was happening. I start to notice on a daily basis that i was getting cruised. Now i had come from a little city just outside of long beach and about 30 minutes outside of Hollywood.....slim pickins' for sure. I mean i wasn't celibate but my sexual relationships were mostly with local married guys i met online. It was a bit overwhelming, not only getting cruised like a motherfucker but moving across the street from a leather bar(a fetish that has always kinda peaked my interest). Overwhelmed is actually a good word, i felt it. All of a sudden there are lots of men that want to sleep with me and who am i to say no.(especially after a couple of cocktails) All of this was fine, i assumed, because we had no rules. Although all i really wanted him to do was ask me not to sleep with anyone. That's all he had to do and i at least would have given it my best shot. Well after awhile i started feeling guilty, i wasn't exactly lying but i wasn't exactly being truthful. So i tested the waters. I told him about this guy who i had been talking to on myspace from new york who was coming out to DJ a club and was gonna crash at our place. We ended up hooking up so i decided to tell him about it. Only because that time it was a bit more than just a nameless, faceless hookup.

Needless to say he didn't take it well and i completely understood. After that things just went up and down. Sometimes we'd talk everyday and sometimes i wouldn't hear from him for weeks. So that takes us to now and exactly what we are today. Which honestly confuses me. We decided on dinner Tuesday night since he was only in town for 3 days. To start off with the fool brings me flowers. Seriously he shows up at my door with flowers. Normally something like that would be funny to me, an impersonation of what a date should be, but i know with him it's genuine. I tried not to notice how he was so much hotter than i remembered. We went to some Italian place around the corner from my place. Had alot of wine, good food, and a pretty amazing conversation. This was the same night as the Griffith park fire so afterwards we just walked down sunset watching the fire get bigger and bigger. There were people all along the street, taking pictures, walking, and just stopping to watch the hills....it was kinda romantic in a post apocalyptic kinda way.

We ended up going back to his hotel and smoking a couple of bowls and watching the news. No sex....just fell asleep next to each other. I was kinda sad about it but half way through the night(i couldn't sleep) i just kept looking at him and decided that i was just gonna look at this way: You see, i felt so strongly about this man after knowing him for only a short time so whenever i thought about it a small part of me wasn't even sure that there had been anything to begin with. Was it the beginnings of something great or just the cocktails we had? Had there really been any sorta spark there or did i imagine it?. Him coming back gave me a chance to realize i hadn't imagined anything and it was obvious that it was still very much there. Only now we were both to guarded to let anything stupid happen. All and all I'm pleased with the visit and even made some loose promises about going up to see him possibly but we've made these promises before so no ones holding their breath I'm sure. It sounds stupid but i kinda feel like this was the closest I've felt to whatever that whole "love" thing is. I know it wasn't actual love but it was something different than I'd felt before then. i kinda walk around with this idea that when you meet the one you'll know. Clouds will part, harps will start playing...all that bullshit, but this whole experience has made me think that maybe just maybe you can learn to love someone after time. The whole idea is extremely unappealing to me right now anyways, but definitely given me something to think about and hope for. i have some more stories but this one took up alot of space so I'll post something tomorrow. peace.