whats your man got to do with me?

I promised i would write out what had happened to me a couple of nights ago. Now first off this pattern i have been falling into recently of meeting guys with boyfriends doesn't seem to be changing at all. As a matter of fact another one just told me last night. Has a boyfriend in San Fransisco. Its funny how guys can suddenly out of nowhere get a conscience, just like that. Now there has been no pressure on my end and i certainly didn't do anything that would lead them to believe i was after any sort of real relationship, friendship with benefits, probably. Either way i can't shake the feeling I'm paying off some bad karma, now the question is what is it i have to change in order to restore balance. If it happened once or twice, no big deal, coincidence most likely. But i think I'm about hit the 6 point mark soon. Again I'm not one to complain or even care but 5 in a row kinda concerns me. Am i wrong to feel so?

Anyways back to the point. So i believe it was Monday night i decide, just having had a whole day off to recover from pride, to go out and have a drink and possibly.....well i was open for something to happen. Usually when i go out alone or with the intention to hookup i try not to talk to anyone for to long. If I'm not immediately interested i just walk away after the first lapse in conversation. For some reason that night i was talking to this guy who wouldn't leave me alone. So I'm relieved when i thought i saw a familiar face to save me. It turns out to be this guy i had met a couple months earlier. Now i have to kinda sidetrack for this story, the way we met was to awesome to not include. The first night i met him i was alone as usual and smoking on the outdoor patio. I noticed him cruising me thru the windows that face the patio, he was playing pool and ridiculously drunk. He had tattooed sleeves and a very "fuck you attitude" which is usually a turn-off to me but it just worked on him, the boy wore it well. i was digging the entire package. Now this guy that was also outside smoking kinda saw me looking in at him and motioned for me to come over. Always hesitant of random guys creeping in dark corners of gay bars spreading rumors, i nod and stay where i am. I had a feeling he was going to say something about him, and honestly i didn't care. After a second glance his way he gives up on the idea of me coming to him and simply puts his hands out palm to palm about a foot apart. I kinda laugh and realize he's trying to tell me he has a big dick. Almost a couple of seconds later he comes outside with a camel sticking out of his mouth. For some reason when guys can smoke without taking the cigarette from their mouth i instantly want to fuck them. I could feel it in my stomach, he was gonna speak. I look up to acknowledge i see him before he says a word. He asks if i play pool and i say i haven't drank enough to play good. With a half-smile he asks what I'm drinking and turns to the bar to get my stoli tonic. I stand there nervous about having to play pool when his friend he came with starts talking to me. He then tells me they met thru his best friend who happens to be the hot guys boyfriend. So maybe this one is my fault since i knew before hand. They are in a relationship he goes on to tell me but are allowed to fuck around. We both agree that neither of us could ever be in a situation like that but he says they have made it work and have done so for quite sometime. At that point he had returned with my drink and i was starting to feel one up on him. Not only did i know he had a boyfriend but his boyfriends best friend was sitting right there. I take a gulp of the drink and start to feel a little more confident in playing him. He looks over at me and asks what he gets if he wins, he says if he wins i have to show him my dick. I instantly say no and kinda laugh. Walking around the pool table to my side he leans in close and says OK, how about if i win i get to take you out next week and if you win I'll show you my dick... he cocks his head to one side and says but i still wanna take you out next week. I had to laugh at his eagerness to show the entire bar his dick and id be lying if i said i wasn't dying to see if the creepy guy was lying or not. 2 vodka tonics later i had surprised both of us and actually won. As promised i was flashed some dick and the creepy guy was wrong, it was bigger, well at least thicker than i imagined. ha ha. He never did take me out but in all fairness i guess i should finish the rest of the story. I'm sure you'll understand why we didn't.

So back to last Monday. I see him and he approaches me with the same drunken cockiness i still found hot. I wasn't that drunk maybe 2 drinks into the night. He asks me how I've been and why i haven't called him. I say i i took his number out of my phone cause he never called. He laughs pulls out his phone and calls my number, there now you have it again he says. I ask how he's been, he bitches about work as do i. Then the conversation turns to our phantom date. I have to admit i kinda wondered why he hadn't called me. We both live in the same hood and he was obviously into me. He starts talking about how fucked up i was the last time he saw me. I reply back about how i kinda remember kicking his ass at not only pool but a game of pinball. He laughs and said no the other time. This is the point where i usually start to get worried. What time? i hesitantly ask. He said i would have left with you guys but i don't do that shit anymore and he's not really my type. I'm sure the look of confusion on my face was the reason for his huge smile.......Fuck guys i have to go home. The train is waiting. i swear i will finish up tomorrow. not much of it left. I'm tired....last night was a complete waste of energy and time. Didn't get much sleep so I'm hoping i don't get the itch to go out tonight. Promise i will post tomorrow. Till then.

learn to forget

i finally got around to finding a tape recorder today. I'm gonna try to carry it everywhere with me. Just this morning i had this whole dialogue in my head that i tried to repeat over and over to myself on the train but i had two cocktails at lunch and the thoughts just seemed to seep out from my ears as soon as the martini's found their way into my bloodstream. It was pretty much about my evening which was clouded over by its own set of drinks and smoke, but I'll get to that later.

This past Sunday was long beach pride an event i was actually really looking forward to despite how lame it was last year. The difference being it was a bit more planned this year and Jennifer Hudson was there. I'm not a big fan but i had someone recently read the words to the dreamgirls song "and I'm telling you I'm not going" and it really took on a whole different meaning. I really like the song although i have yet to see the movie or hear the musical or soundtrack. The event itself was really crowded. If you know me, and by that if you've been around me while I'm really drunk you know i don't react well to large crowds. See, I'm a bit claustrophobic only when i drink it tends to come out slightly more aggressively. I tend to try and start fights and flip people off that are in my way or being kinda rude about letting people pass by. I actually took all that into consideration and decided not to drink to much until after the event when we went to a bar.

The day started out with lunch with my good friend Patricia then we walked over to pride and met up with a couple other friends. All and all i had a great time...which was completely unexpected. We drank more than we intended to which wasn't a bad thing only they only had Bacardi drinks. Who the fuck drinks rum anyways? After the first two i was loving it.....not to hot, kinda overcast. Yes the crowd was a bit overwhelming but i was happy they were there anyways. I have never in my life felt so gay and even texted my roomie to say it. It was during amber's performance(ha ha) when the crowd was really starting to feel it. The was a slight mist in the air, a semi-sprinkle, everywhere you turned there were fags, thousands of them. There was just this sense of freedom that i don't get at many gay clubs, despite that being their point, at least that's what i always thought of as the reason people went to them. I never really was into gay clubs growing up and to this day still don't attend many, bars are a different story. It was just that there was no fear of being judged for any actions on that piece of land. There was, for a short period in time no such thing as to "gay". ha ha. So we danced and sang along to the theme song from studio 54 and i had to laugh and recognize the awesomeness of the situation.

Afterwards we went to a lesbian bar to try and help my friend get herself laid. That didn't happen but i did manage to meet a guy despite the fact we were in a empty lesbian club. Who knows what'll happen there but I'll keep you all posted. The whole experience made me really miss long beach and my friends there but at the same time reconfirmed that i very much wanna stay in Hollywood. Just not sure i can afford it. Well I'm actually on my way out so i will get to last night tomorrow when i post. It's a funny story that makes me feel like my life isn't real. All the things that happen around me are like bombs exploding. I have no control of the outcome, I'm just walking thru a minefield waiting an the explosion to happen, hand clenched into fists, body ready for impact, just waiting for any sign of actual feeling. Sometimes i have to be punched in the face to realize i can be hurt. I often forget.

i will never see your misery

So truthfully i haven't made much progress in any actual writing. I mean i have written stuff but nothing that is connecting. Problem is i get these great ideas when I'm stoned or drunk. ha ha. So i decided to invest in a small tape voice recorder. This should be interesting not only to be able to capture exactly what I'm thinking but to hear some of my drunken ideas. Sometimes it almost seems as if my hand, when i write, can't quite keep up with my thoughts. I think to quickly so when i write something I'm already onto the next thought, confusing me, and making me forget what i was thinking in the first place. I'm sure I'll get endless hours of enjoyment out of this little piece of machinery. Can't wait going to staples after work. I had kind of an interesting conversation with a friend of mine this weekend and just wished to god i had one. I can't remember anything specific about the points i was making. We were both just discussing our disappointment in gay culture which is alot of what I'm writing is about. Not disappointment exactly but more like displacement. Maybe that's not even the right word cause that kinda gives the impression that it was once a place i felt apart of.

In other news, i never really went into all of last weeks antics. I met this guy.......yes online. It wasn't really anything at first besides a little distraction from work, a light fluffing of the ego, but the more i got to talking with him the more i became interested. There was always the flirting back and forth, but never an invitation to meet nor did there seem to be an ulterior motives. So it seemed fine when we both kinda joked around, having no plans on a Friday night that we should get drunk and mess around. We just threw a couple ideas around(i.e bars, clubs, his place) until he got really quiet and asked if i was serious, if i seriously wanted to meet him. I said of course, why wouldn't i, we've been talking for awhile, you seem relatively intelligent, i think your hot, you think I'm hot, let's just see what happens. He didn't answer right away so i said if that day was bad we could meet up another day. He replied back a couple minutes later that today was fine. He just had to tell me something first. I let out a sigh convinced the next thing i read was gonna be that he had a boyfriend(the pattern was starting to sicken me). After a little more talking he told me that he was HIV+ and has been for 5 years.(that he's known) He apologized for not having told me earlier, but I completely understood because i don't think either of us was really taking the flirty messages to seriously. Honestly I'm glad he didn't tell me right off the bat, i might have never taken the time to really get to know his personality in the same way or without putting up a wall or two.

Long story short against my better judgement i agree and say it doesn't bother me. Did it really bother me? i can't be sure. I know i was apprehensive about the whole thing. I consider myself to be pretty educated in the whole HIV/AIDS department but no amount of knowledge can take away the unease you feel when you are made aware of someone status, especially in situations like this. When you kinda start enjoying the others conversation and want to invest some time in getting to know them. I brushed the feeling aside, i mean i didn't wanna be the asshole that can't deal with a simple piece of information that may not even be relevant to our relationship(if we even get that far). So we agreed to meet up at his house. i suggested a bar which he quickly shot down. I was forgetting he was 44 and probably slightly anti-social. I took the red line to his place sweating the entire way up there. I mean the guy was gorgeous, i wasn't sure I'd trust myself to make clear decisions after a couple of drinks. Luckily he wasn't a big drinker. We had a couple of cocktails, enough to calm my nerves and start letting conversation flow a little more freely. I told him about my story I'm working on and how the main character will contract HIV about midway thru(i think), and how he deals or actually doesn't deal with it. The funny thing was this guys story, well his life, mirrored that of my characters. Not to the T but it was close enough to really get me interested in hearing every word that came out of his mouth. I stopped seeing him as someone with HIV and more like someone close to me, someone i understood because alot of the main character is built around me, and how i deal with things or a guess at how i would. After another drink things just started flowing easily. All we did was make out, which was really nice(ha ha). All and all he was a awesome guy, well-spoken, open, and most importantly unafraid of himself, his body, and his disease. he's allowed the position he's been put in springboard him into redefining himself, on his own terms, his own ideas of whats right and wrong. We should all be so lucky. So i haven't seen him since. We have texted and spoke one the phone....we both are kinda busy so we have yet to make any concrete plans to meet again, but i would actually really enjoy getting to hang with him again. I'll keep you posted.

text vs. romance

Been a minute since i posted something new so here goes. Last week was kinda strange. Well not exactly but it was definitely one for the books. So after the big cinco de mayo let down i was kinda broke...again. So i was kinda worried when this guy that i used to really like called and said he would be in LA for a visit and wanted to make a stop and visit me. Innocent enough. The thing is....i really really liked this guy. So the news was good but i was also a little concerned about shooting myself in the foot but opening myself up to this man again. We were only able to get to know each other shortly before he and I moved. We continued to keep in contact(and still do) after he left and actually got closer. Around the same time he moved, i moved to silverlake. We both kinda got comfortable in the dynamic of our relationship for whatever reasons. Maybe he was just lonely, maybe i needed to find something to settle me down, either way things were OK in the beginning.

Now after about a month of living there i found that a strange thing was happening. I start to notice on a daily basis that i was getting cruised. Now i had come from a little city just outside of long beach and about 30 minutes outside of Hollywood.....slim pickins' for sure. I mean i wasn't celibate but my sexual relationships were mostly with local married guys i met online. It was a bit overwhelming, not only getting cruised like a motherfucker but moving across the street from a leather bar(a fetish that has always kinda peaked my interest). Overwhelmed is actually a good word, i felt it. All of a sudden there are lots of men that want to sleep with me and who am i to say no.(especially after a couple of cocktails) All of this was fine, i assumed, because we had no rules. Although all i really wanted him to do was ask me not to sleep with anyone. That's all he had to do and i at least would have given it my best shot. Well after awhile i started feeling guilty, i wasn't exactly lying but i wasn't exactly being truthful. So i tested the waters. I told him about this guy who i had been talking to on myspace from new york who was coming out to DJ a club and was gonna crash at our place. We ended up hooking up so i decided to tell him about it. Only because that time it was a bit more than just a nameless, faceless hookup.

Needless to say he didn't take it well and i completely understood. After that things just went up and down. Sometimes we'd talk everyday and sometimes i wouldn't hear from him for weeks. So that takes us to now and exactly what we are today. Which honestly confuses me. We decided on dinner Tuesday night since he was only in town for 3 days. To start off with the fool brings me flowers. Seriously he shows up at my door with flowers. Normally something like that would be funny to me, an impersonation of what a date should be, but i know with him it's genuine. I tried not to notice how he was so much hotter than i remembered. We went to some Italian place around the corner from my place. Had alot of wine, good food, and a pretty amazing conversation. This was the same night as the Griffith park fire so afterwards we just walked down sunset watching the fire get bigger and bigger. There were people all along the street, taking pictures, walking, and just stopping to watch the hills....it was kinda romantic in a post apocalyptic kinda way.

We ended up going back to his hotel and smoking a couple of bowls and watching the news. No sex....just fell asleep next to each other. I was kinda sad about it but half way through the night(i couldn't sleep) i just kept looking at him and decided that i was just gonna look at this way: You see, i felt so strongly about this man after knowing him for only a short time so whenever i thought about it a small part of me wasn't even sure that there had been anything to begin with. Was it the beginnings of something great or just the cocktails we had? Had there really been any sorta spark there or did i imagine it?. Him coming back gave me a chance to realize i hadn't imagined anything and it was obvious that it was still very much there. Only now we were both to guarded to let anything stupid happen. All and all I'm pleased with the visit and even made some loose promises about going up to see him possibly but we've made these promises before so no ones holding their breath I'm sure. It sounds stupid but i kinda feel like this was the closest I've felt to whatever that whole "love" thing is. I know it wasn't actual love but it was something different than I'd felt before then. i kinda walk around with this idea that when you meet the one you'll know. Clouds will part, harps will start playing...all that bullshit, but this whole experience has made me think that maybe just maybe you can learn to love someone after time. The whole idea is extremely unappealing to me right now anyways, but definitely given me something to think about and hope for. i have some more stories but this one took up alot of space so I'll post something tomorrow. peace.

you should see yourself the way i see you

Although this weekend wasn't as action packed as i wanted it to be, it actually turned out OK. The thing with the guy with a boyfriend turned out OK, he's a really nice guy and someone I'd actually consider dating if he was single(ha ha)but i guess we'll just have to settle on being friends with sexual tension. Cinco de mayo was kind of a bust, didn't end up seeing kinky or having dinner. Ended up at a straight bar in echo park, not bad but not my thing. Then Sunday i just pretty much layed around the house all day. One interesting thing that happened yesterday...well 2. ok the first is just kinda funny.

So yesterday I'm walking to the 99 cent store to get some water. As I'm crossing onto sunset i see this semi-cute middle aged guy kinda looking at me. I look back cause he was at least semi-cute from the curb. So i look back at him as i cross the street and smile.....kinda like goodbye. Innocent enough right? Wrong. As i continue up the street i turn around for a second and see his car following behind me. For some reason(i have no idea why....seeing as how this has happened before) i get freaked out so i just casually walk into a coffee shop on my right. I wait a couple of seconds till i see him turn the corner the coffee shop is on and walk back towards the 99 cent store. As soon i i stop at the crosswalk i see him flipping a bitch and coming back towards me. This time he spots me and makes a right back onto sunset and is again behind me. I try walking slow and see him pass me and turn at the next street. Part of me wants to think he got the point but the other half says cross the street. Guess which half i listened to? Well when i finally get to the corner he's there....stopped. He looks up at me as i cross the street and nods again. I nod back and kinda laugh at the weirdness of the situation and at the fact the he isn't really finding this weird. Once i get to the same side of street he's on the fool seriously stares me down leans over and opens his car door.

Now at closer inspection, he was kinda not bad looking. Why i didn't get in that car and have sex with him i can't be sure. All i do know is that it kinda bothered me that he would look at me from across the street and read my nod and smile as a green flag that i wanna fuck. What exactly am i putting out there that says I'm a whore. Its not that i am upset about coming off that way but more that I'm intrigued by the fact that i unintentionally put that vibe out there. That guys can tell i would or at least consider it. Thank god i wasn't drunk.

So other funny thing that happened is i stumbled across some old journals of mine. Page after page of angsty teen poetry. Embarrassing. I found two books neither of which were filled just random lines and short poems scribbled throughout them. Some were not as bad as others, alot of them (gulp) rhymed. So i figured I'd share a couple just for laughs. Keep in mind i was a very undersexed teen. I mean i got laid but if you know me now compared to then......i think i had the same sex drive just a different body. It's weird to read some of this stuff and try to pinpoint what events or people triggered these. Whats even weirder is to not even recognize yourself, maybe i hadn't figured that out yet...wait i still haven't. Whatever. Don't laugh.

Over my head

we are nothing more than this-
separate energies.
The sparks,
you thought,
you threw at me.
Remain to be unseen.


Let's run

I can run a mile or two-but get dizzy on my feet.
I can try to keep up with you-if you would wait for me.

I can chase your phantom heart-I'll remain unseen.
I'll let you come inside or me-infect me with disease.

I will take you all-in stride
I'll let you fill my space.
I'll play the roles you want me to
and let you have your way.

Now all i want from you is this-to feel your energy.
To run my hands along your sides-and fuck with symmetry.


California son

We count the cracks beneath our feet,
and hold hands in the sun.
Another day along the coast,
A perfect place for love.

How summer makes the heart light
and how soon i forget.
That love and glass-
two fragile things,
can pose the biggest threat.

We count on stars above our heads,
my California son.
We will never stay afloat,
when we're made to come undone.

If everything that's whole-will break.
Perfection will collapse.
So i let you do these things to me, and try to not react.




Ha ha. so that's all for now. I'll post more later. Back to work.

everybody wants to come over to my house

So last night was the show. I can only describe it as fucken amazing. The venue itself was really really(and i hope you get my point) small. Possibly the smallest place Ive ever been to see a band play. Including me, the band members, and the staff there was maybe 15 people. Perfect atmosphere for an anti-social person like myself to see a new band. The songs were played on a violin, an electric guitar and an acoustic guitar, so it provided for an interesting sound...no bass no drums. I think it really helped the mood of the evening.

They of course played my song San Fransisco which sounded sooo much better live. I was seriously sitting about 3 feet away from the lead singer who sat on the edge of the tiny stage that was so filled with equipment the whole band couldn't fit on it. When she started singing a song she was was partly an Afghan folk song i knew i was in love with them. Each song was seriously more beautiful then the last. And they ended with the perfect one. A new song they've been working on called kiss me in the moonlight. Loved it.

I also scored a cd with the 4 songs they've recorded thus far. During the show they mentioned that it was actually their final show before heading over to Afghanistan to record the new album. Hopefully this means they've found a record deal and I'll be able to get the new stuff soon. All and all it was the perfect start to the weekend and one of those night that made me question my upcoming move. It is so cool to be able to(if i want) walk down the street and see an amazing band play in a ridiculously small venue frequented by their friends and neighbors. I will miss that if i end up leaving LA.

Also slight change of plans for the weekend. I just found out that kinky is playing a show at the 3rd street promenade Saturday morning at the helio store cause it's cinco de mayo. Needless to say I'm more than excited to see them than anything else this weekend. Later on that night i guess we're going to avaland to check out a pretty decent house lineup, imcluding julias papp and marques wyatt. I haven't gone to a house event in god knows how long but I'm mainly going to see miguel miggs, not only cause i like him but lisa shaw is singing with him. If you guys are fans of house or soul music and don't know lisa shaw you should check out her myspace at the least. Very cool stuff as is most of the naked label. So thats it for now, I'll post and let you all know how it was. I'll leave you with my favorite kinky song. I hope the play it.

Kinky-Presidente

at night my dreams they shake me awake

This week has been pretty uneventful following Sunday and Mondays debauchery. Basically i was broke since Sunday so i haven't really had much of a chance to do anything. I do however, get paid tomorrow and despite my rent and phone bill, plan to try and make my money last.(yeah right!) The upcoming weekend actually looks pretty promising.



Starting tonight, This band I've been meaning to catch, lion of panjshir is playing a free show tonight(fucken perfect). And in a venue that only sells beer...even more perfect. So me and my trusty flask will be down at the hyperion tavern(1941 hyperion avenue) at 9pm if anyone reading is interested. Listen to the song San Fransisco and i dare you not to love it. They are promising an almost acoustic, strings only set, so I'm rather excited. I don't do enough things alone and i think this past weekend has brought me new confidence in my ability to not only handle but enjoy stillness and quiet. incase myspace is fucked up you can listen to it here too. Lion of panjshir-San Fransisco MP3

Then Friday i'm supposed to meet up with some guy i have recently been chatting with a bit. I'm actually pretty excited about meeting him even though he has a boyfriend. I know sucky right? We seem to have alot in common and I'm really gonna try and respect his boundaries, but only if he respects them himself....otherwise all bets are off.(just kidding, i swear) The thing is he's a writer and has a really interesting story. So we'll see how it goes. I'm honestly not expecting anything other than meeting a cool like-minded guy. Seriously, this time.

Saturday is cinco de fucken mayo bitches. I know if you know me and zandra then you know all our cinco de mayo celebrations. This year without our trusty city of Long Beach we're gonna settle for dinner and margaritas at a Mexican place nearby and safari smas later that night. Should be fun although the OG plan was to go to Alvera street and eat churros(I'll survive). As far as things with the story go i have made little progress this week actually. Spent most of the week letting my body heal, so that left very little time for actual thinking. I'm gonna try and get something accomplished this Sunday and post something up next week. Either way you'll hear something soon.

to live and die in LA

so this weekend brought me alot of alone time. With my room mate at coachella for 5 days i really had a chance to kinda re-think some of the story line. I kinda made a start or rather wrote what i assume will eventually be the beginning of the story. The main character is still unnamed and for the most part undeveloped. I'm getting really excited to see how this story unfolds. I'm notorious for starting things and not finishing but this one feels a little different. This time around I'm really trying to write what i know most about. I always say "when your on a date or speaking to someone your into you should always try to talk about something you know alot about that way there are fewer moments of awkward silence". I guess i should apply the same rule to writing. This is my first time writing a story kinda based on my own experiences so it's really weird to re-live some of these moments and look at it from a different angle. We'll just say i'll be pulling from some moments i'm not so proud of. I just feel like i have this story to tell....not cause i think people need to hear it but rather just as a way make sense of my mistakes. A way to own up to all the bad decisions and hopefully look at myself as someone completely new.

I swear I'll start posting some stuff once i feel better about it. Usually when i write ill write out a couple of pages then go back line by line and reword things. So it can take some time before I'm kinda content with the way it sounds. Lots of new material to write about. This weekend was kinda crazy. I met this guy who i have met before but because i hooked up with his boyfriend awhile back(they have an open relationship so no negative feelings)we haven't really ever talked. This time around his boyfriend left the bar early, i think he was too fucked up, and we had a chance to talk. Turns out he's actually really cool, actually alot cooler than his boyfriend. ha ha. We ended up fooling around a bit but not really having sex, which was fine, only we drank and consumed so much shit i really thought i might die. To top it off the next night when my room mate got home we decided to go out. Basically i did the same amount if chemicals as the previous night and basically blacked out. I heard stories of my puking in the parking lot of the echo but cant seem to clearly recall anything before the car ride. Either way i had an awesome time. Definitely one of the nights where i felt the city around me. Almost as if LA was the 4th person with us, providing the momentum for the evening. I sometimes get these moments where i feel like what is happening in that second couldn't happen anywhere else in the world and it makes me appreciate what we have here. I want to capture what it's like to be here in this point in time. Living with this certain set of rules that wont apply in 5 years time or in another environment. I want to get across the duality of the city. How sometimes the things that hurt you can be the things that remind you you're alive. "Anything that may delay you...might just save you". We're in a city that is so unlike any other place, that not really being either good or bad. It just is.