i will never see your misery

So truthfully i haven't made much progress in any actual writing. I mean i have written stuff but nothing that is connecting. Problem is i get these great ideas when I'm stoned or drunk. ha ha. So i decided to invest in a small tape voice recorder. This should be interesting not only to be able to capture exactly what I'm thinking but to hear some of my drunken ideas. Sometimes it almost seems as if my hand, when i write, can't quite keep up with my thoughts. I think to quickly so when i write something I'm already onto the next thought, confusing me, and making me forget what i was thinking in the first place. I'm sure I'll get endless hours of enjoyment out of this little piece of machinery. Can't wait going to staples after work. I had kind of an interesting conversation with a friend of mine this weekend and just wished to god i had one. I can't remember anything specific about the points i was making. We were both just discussing our disappointment in gay culture which is alot of what I'm writing is about. Not disappointment exactly but more like displacement. Maybe that's not even the right word cause that kinda gives the impression that it was once a place i felt apart of.

In other news, i never really went into all of last weeks antics. I met this guy.......yes online. It wasn't really anything at first besides a little distraction from work, a light fluffing of the ego, but the more i got to talking with him the more i became interested. There was always the flirting back and forth, but never an invitation to meet nor did there seem to be an ulterior motives. So it seemed fine when we both kinda joked around, having no plans on a Friday night that we should get drunk and mess around. We just threw a couple ideas around(i.e bars, clubs, his place) until he got really quiet and asked if i was serious, if i seriously wanted to meet him. I said of course, why wouldn't i, we've been talking for awhile, you seem relatively intelligent, i think your hot, you think I'm hot, let's just see what happens. He didn't answer right away so i said if that day was bad we could meet up another day. He replied back a couple minutes later that today was fine. He just had to tell me something first. I let out a sigh convinced the next thing i read was gonna be that he had a boyfriend(the pattern was starting to sicken me). After a little more talking he told me that he was HIV+ and has been for 5 years.(that he's known) He apologized for not having told me earlier, but I completely understood because i don't think either of us was really taking the flirty messages to seriously. Honestly I'm glad he didn't tell me right off the bat, i might have never taken the time to really get to know his personality in the same way or without putting up a wall or two.

Long story short against my better judgement i agree and say it doesn't bother me. Did it really bother me? i can't be sure. I know i was apprehensive about the whole thing. I consider myself to be pretty educated in the whole HIV/AIDS department but no amount of knowledge can take away the unease you feel when you are made aware of someone status, especially in situations like this. When you kinda start enjoying the others conversation and want to invest some time in getting to know them. I brushed the feeling aside, i mean i didn't wanna be the asshole that can't deal with a simple piece of information that may not even be relevant to our relationship(if we even get that far). So we agreed to meet up at his house. i suggested a bar which he quickly shot down. I was forgetting he was 44 and probably slightly anti-social. I took the red line to his place sweating the entire way up there. I mean the guy was gorgeous, i wasn't sure I'd trust myself to make clear decisions after a couple of drinks. Luckily he wasn't a big drinker. We had a couple of cocktails, enough to calm my nerves and start letting conversation flow a little more freely. I told him about my story I'm working on and how the main character will contract HIV about midway thru(i think), and how he deals or actually doesn't deal with it. The funny thing was this guys story, well his life, mirrored that of my characters. Not to the T but it was close enough to really get me interested in hearing every word that came out of his mouth. I stopped seeing him as someone with HIV and more like someone close to me, someone i understood because alot of the main character is built around me, and how i deal with things or a guess at how i would. After another drink things just started flowing easily. All we did was make out, which was really nice(ha ha). All and all he was a awesome guy, well-spoken, open, and most importantly unafraid of himself, his body, and his disease. he's allowed the position he's been put in springboard him into redefining himself, on his own terms, his own ideas of whats right and wrong. We should all be so lucky. So i haven't seen him since. We have texted and spoke one the phone....we both are kinda busy so we have yet to make any concrete plans to meet again, but i would actually really enjoy getting to hang with him again. I'll keep you posted.