Wednesday, June 27, 2007

so ready to surrender

Here we go. So it's been quite sometime since i have posted anything. No particular reason just have been going thru alot lately. Nothing life changing...well not exactly. I just mean its not that i have alot going on around me, just inside. So far 26 has brought a big shift in the way i look at things, myself, and the people around me. For the first time in my life i feel the burn from sticking my hands straight into the fire, in other words.....time to face the consequences of my actions. It amazes me the shit i was getting away with when i think back just a few short months ago, the way i was able to completely alter my reality. I had a few major wake up calls that i wont get into but the product of all my mindless selfish behavior has been to big to ignore. The biggest outcome has been the fact that i have made the decision to leave silverlake behind me and move to Long beach(my old stomping grounds....he he). I'm not unhappy with the decision, its just the way that it happened really shook me up....or rather woke me up.

So with all that madness going on i really had sometime to rethink my life. My future.....ha ha, may even have been a first for me. I really have made some decisions to change and have some goals I'd like to reach, both short and long term. A big part of this, maybe the word big gives it to much credit, but a part of this has been brought on by someone i have met. I guess to an extent we are in some sort of relationship although its not the typical definition of a "boyfriend", but i am for the first time very happy with my choice to keep focus on this one man. It hasn't been all easy, but it was or is no where near as difficult as i once imagined. He is in no way the type of person i thought i would end up being serious about. I don't even really think its him exactly, there were alot of things like i said that happened prior to us meeting that had shifted my path. I just think he gave me a reason to do it without fear of judgement.

So without getting to detailed i am very happy with the changes taking place inside me. As you can probably imagine this does certainly change my story. I no longer want to relate to the person i was writing about. I mean the whole idea behind my story was this kid running around in a place that almost applauded his awful behavior. I wanted him to get through it severely damaged but the same person, the point was that life doesn't judge or punish much like the way i imagine god. I can see now that that was me, running around with my eyes closed secretly hoping i didn't hit anything....too hard. To the outside world it may have seemed i was being careless or even worse just didn't care. But truthfully i had weighed my options, and faced my consequences in advance. I had already prepared and sort of mentally buried myself. I was just waiting for the physical world to catch me if it could, all i had been doing for the past couple of years was running. Not towards or from anything, but just sorta living in fast forward. Why? i cant really be sure but i am now to tired to keep the same pace.

My friend Wendy once gave me this book for my birthday a long time ago. Just a blank book but she had cut out images and put in quotes and stuff. Probably one of the greatest gifts i have ever received. Well anyways, there was this one quote that has stayed with me all these years later. It said "the key to happiness is learning to let go". Now that may sound pretty fortune cookie to most but at the time it struck me really hard. I imagine cause at that time i was really unhappy with myself. So i almost perfected the art of letting go...of starting over. I found that book a couple of weeks ago and it hit me just as hard as the first time that i had totally misunderstood it. Well maybe i had gotten it but just a very small part. I had taught and convinced myself that if i never really thought of anything as mine it wouldn't hurt to loose it. So i lived a long time in that mind frame. I learned to let it all go, money, relationships, people, actions. The thing was i was only thinking of things in the physical sense. Now as i stand before this new person in my life and admit for the first time not wanting to let it go, i feel that maybe the person who was being quoted meant it more in terms of letting go of yourself, of your pride, of fears. This is a big thing for me now, to not look back or worry what happens next. To just let it all go and fall towards something instead of away. Maybe again, this all sounds very simple but fuck it...i'm a simple guy.

I do promise to try write more often on here for any of you that have been periodically checking. The content may be a little less exciting but i still do very much wanna start getting this story out of me. The shape of it has altered dramatically but its still itching to get out. I'm not even sure how exactly all this will lend itself to what I'm writing but i know that it will. I had this idea that i wanted the story to be if i was thinking of it in a visual sense more like porn that a movie. Haha...yeah like really well written artsy porn. I still in a way imagine it that way but, well we'll see what happens. Ultimately my charachter is more like a vessel than a person, just a container, he is transparent and open. To him there is no right or wrong, only truth and lies. To him the future is a concept not a guarantee. That is something i still honestly believe.